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Note on Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

[last update: 08 Feb 2024]

Crucial Conversations

Chapter 1: What’s a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares?

• Definition of Crucial Conversations: These are interactions more important than day-to-day conversations. They involve varied opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions.
• Impact on Life: Crucial conversations profoundly affect your career, happiness, and future.
• Skills for Success:
  • Start with the Heart: Begin with empathy and positive intent.
  • Stay in Dialogue: Maintain open communication.
  • Make It Safe: Create a safe environment for discussion.
  • Avoid Emotional Hooks: Don’t get drawn into emotional reactions.
  • Separate Facts from Story: Distinguish between objective facts and subjective interpretations.
  • Agree on Mutual Purpose: Find common ground.
  • Create Clear Action Plans: Move from dialogue to action.

Chapter 2: The Power of Dialogue

• Definition of Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people. Dialogue allows people to share their views, learn from each other, and make better decisions.
• Pool of Shared Meaning: The collective knowledge, opinions, and feelings of the people involved in a conversation. The larger the pool, the better the dialogue and the outcomes.
• Barriers to Dialogue: Silence and violence. Silence means withholding meaning from the pool, while violence means forcing meaning into the pool. Both behaviors are counterproductive and damage relationships.
• Creating Safety in Dialogue: Safety depends on two factors: mutual purpose and mutual respect. Mutual purpose means having a shared goal for the conversation, and mutual respect means valuing each other as human beings.
• Tools for Dialogue: Apologizing, contrasting, and using the CRIB skills (Commit to seek mutual purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a mutual purpose, and Brainstorm new strategies).
• Starting with Heart: Focusing on what you really want, refusing the sucker’s choice, and staying in dialogue. Starting with heart helps you avoid falling into silence or violence when stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.

Chapter 3: Start with Heart

• Starting with Heart: This chapter is about how to start with heart, which means to focus on what you really want and avoid falling into the trap of the Sucker’s Choice.
• The Sucker’s Choice: A false dilemma that makes you think you have to choose between two bad options, such as winning or losing, being honest or keeping a friend, etc.
• Refusing the Sucker’s Choice: To refuse the Sucker’s Choice, you need to clarify your own motives and goals, and then find a way to achieve them without compromising your values or relationships.
• Tips for Starting with Heart:
  • Work on me first, us second: Before you try to change others, examine your own role in the problem and how you can improve.
  • Focus on what you really want: Don’t get sidetracked by your emotions, impulses, or ego. Ask yourself what you want for yourself, others, and the relationship, and act accordingly.
  • Refuse the fool’s choice: Don’t settle for either/or solutions when you can look for and/or options. Expand your options by asking yourself, “How can I do both?”
• Funny Mentions:
  • The example of a husband who wants to watch a football game while his wife wants to go shopping, and how they can avoid the Sucker’s Choice by finding a third alternative.
  • The story of how one of the authors learned to start with heart by realizing that he was more interested in being right than in solving a problem with his wife.
  • The analogy of a car with a dead battery to illustrate how we sometimes try to jump-start crucial conversations without checking our own motives first.

    Chapter 4: Learn to Look

• Learning to Look: This chapter is about how to look for signs that a conversation is becoming crucial, that safety is at risk, and that you or others are moving away from dialogue.
• Pool of Shared Meaning: Dialogue requires a pool of shared meaning, where people openly and honestly express their opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences.
• Silence and Violence: When the pool is shallow or empty, people don’t have enough information to make good decisions, and they may resort to silence or violence to avoid or win the conversation.
• Style Under Stress: Silence and violence are forms of style under stress, which are counterproductive behaviors that people use when they feel threatened or unsafe. Examples of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing. Examples of violence are controlling, labeling, and attacking.
• Making It Safe: To prevent or overcome silence and violence, you need to make it safe for everyone to contribute to the pool. You can do this by apologizing when appropriate, using contrast to fix misunderstandings, and finding a mutual purpose.

  Chapter 5: Make It Safe

• Making It Safe: This chapter is about how to make it safe to talk about almost anything, even when the conversation is crucial and emotions are high.
• Dialogue and Safety: Dialogue requires safety, which means that people feel free to share their honest opinions and feelings without fear of being attacked, rejected, or punished.
• Skills for Safety: The chapter introduces three skills to help create and maintain safety: apologize, contrast, and CRIB.
• Apologize: Sincerely express regret for anything you have done that has contributed to the problem or violated respect. It helps restore mutual respect and show that you care about the relationship.
• Contrast: Clarify what you don’t intend or mean, and then explain what you do intend or mean. It helps correct misunderstandings and rebuild mutual purpose.
• CRIB: Four steps to find a mutual purpose when you have conflicting goals or interests: Commit to seek a mutual purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a mutual purpose, and Brainstorm new strategies. It helps create a win-win situation and show that you respect the other person’s views.
• Applying the Skills: The chapter provides some tips and examples to help you apply the skills in different situations, such as when you are accused of something, when you are misunderstood, or when you disagree with someone.
• Humorous Story: The chapter ends with a humorous story of how the authors used the skills to deal with a difficult neighbor who was playing loud music at night. They were able to turn a potential conflict into a friendly conversation and a peaceful solution.

Chapter 6: Master My Stories

• Mastering My Stories: This chapter is about learning how to control our emotions and thoughts during crucial conversations.
• Creating Our Own Emotions: We create our own emotions by the stories we tell ourselves about what we see and hear. These stories are often based on assumptions, judgments, and biases that may not be accurate or helpful.
• Retracing Our Path to Action: The process of going from observing facts to telling stories to feeling emotions to acting. By separating facts from stories, we can examine our stories and test them for validity and usefulness.
• Three Clever Stories: The Victim Story, the Villain Story, and the Helpless Story. These stories make us feel self-righteous, blame others, and avoid responsibility.
• Telling the Rest of the Story: We can ask ourselves three questions: What am I pretending not to know about my role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what the other person is doing? What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
• Tips from Chapter 6:
  • Don’t confuse stories with facts: Facts are observable and verifiable, while stories are interpretations and explanations. Facts can be shared and agreed upon, while stories can be challenged and changed.
  • Watch for hot buttons: Hot buttons are words or actions that trigger strong emotional reactions in us. They often indicate that we are telling ourselves a clever story that is making us angry, hurt, or defensive.
  • Turn victims into actors: Acknowledge our role in the problem and our ability to influence the situation. Focus on what we really want and what we can do to achieve it.
  • Turn villains into humans: Try to understand their perspective and motives. Look for common ground and mutual purpose. Avoid labels and judgments that dehumanize them.
  • Turn the helpless into the able: Explore our options and resources. Be creative and proactive. Seek help and advice from others if needed.
• Funny Mentions:
  • The humorous example of a husband who tells himself a victim story when his wife asks him to take out the trash. He thinks she is nagging and controlling him, and he feels resentful and rebellious. He then tells himself a villain story about her, and a helpless story about himself. He ends up doing nothing and making the situation worse.
  • The funny analogy of a skunk to illustrate how our stories can stink up our conversations. They say that when we tell ourselves clever stories, we spray a foul odor that drives others away or makes them defensive. They suggest that we can avoid this by washing our stories with the truth.

Chapter 7: STATE Your Path

• STATE Your Path: This chapter teaches you how to STATE your path when you want to share your views in a crucial conversation.
• STATE: An acronym that stands for Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing.
• Share Your Facts: Start with the most objective and least controversial information you have.
• Tell Your Story: Explain your conclusions and how you arrived at them.
• Ask for Others’ Paths: Invite them to share their facts, stories, and feelings as well.
• Talk Tentatively: Express your views in a way that shows you are open to other perspectives and feedback.
• Encourage Testing: Invite others to challenge your views and provide additional information that could change your mind.
• Benefits of STATE: Helps you speak persuasively, not abrasively, and creates a safe environment for dialogue.
• Tips for Applying STATE:
  • Don’t confuse facts with stories. Facts are observable and verifiable, stories are interpretations and judgments.
  • Don’t assume you have all the facts. Be curious and humble about what you don’t know or might be wrong about.
  • Don’t lead with your story. Start with facts and then explain how you connected them.
  • Don’t make your story a disguised fact. Use tentative language and acknowledge that it is your opinion or perspective.
  • Don’t pile on. Share only the facts and stories that are relevant to the conversation and the purpose you want to achieve.
  • Don’t answer your own questions. When you ask for others’ paths, listen genuinely and attentively, and avoid interrupting or rebutting.
  • Don’t make statements that sound like questions. When you talk tentatively, avoid using a rising tone or adding a question mark at the end of your sentences.
  • Don’t sugarcoat or water down your views. When you encourage testing, be honest and direct about what you think and why, and invite others to do the same.
• Funny Mentions:
  • The analogy of a “Path to Action” to explain how we move from facts to stories to feelings to actions. This is not to be confused with the “Path to Enlightenment” or the “Path to the Dark Side”.
  • The example of a boss who tells his employee “You’re doing a great job, but …” to illustrate how not to talk tentatively. This is like saying “You’re not a complete idiot, but …”
  • The example of a spouse who says “Do you really think that shirt goes with those pants?” to illustrate how not to encourage testing. This is like saying “Are you really that stupid?”

Chapter 8: Explore Others’ Paths

• Exploring Others’ Paths: This chapter is about how to explore others’ paths when they are either silent or violent in a crucial conversation.
• Asking: The main skill for exploring others’ paths is to ask, which means to inquire about their views, feelings, and stories. Asking helps to create safety, show respect, and build mutual understanding.
• Steps for Asking: Expressing your intent, priming if needed, using contrasting if needed, and encouraging testing.
• Express Your Intent: Explain why you want to hear from the other person and what you hope to achieve by asking. This helps to clarify your motives and reduce defensiveness.
• Priming: Make a guess about what the other person might be thinking or feeling, based on the facts you have observed. This helps to invite the other person to share their perspective and correct any misunderstandings.
• Using Contrasting: Address any concerns the other person might have about your questions, by explaining what you don’t mean and what you do mean. This helps to restore safety and prevent misinterpretation.
• Encouraging Testing: Invite the other person to express any doubts or disagreements they might have with your views, and be open to feedback. This helps to promote dialogue and mutual learning.
• Tips for Asking Effectively: Ask with curiosity, ask to start, ask open-ended questions, ask for specifics, and acknowledge emotions.
• Funny Mentions:
  • The story of the author’s wife who asked him to buy a dress for her.
  • The analogy of asking as fishing.
  • The quote from Voltaire: “Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.”

Chapter 12: Change Your Life

• Applying Crucial Conversations: This chapter is about how to change your life by applying the skills and principles of crucial conversations to your everyday situations.
• Challenges to Change: The main challenges to changing your behavior are surprise, emotion, scripts, and time.
• Tips for Overcoming Challenges:
  • Prepare for crucial conversations: Use the Coaching for Crucial Conversations table to review the principles and skills, and plan how to apply them to a specific situation. Practice with a friend or a colleague, or use role plays and audio tools to rehearse.
  • Learn from your experiences: After a crucial conversation, reflect on what went well and what could be improved. Use the After-Action Review tool to analyze your performance and identify areas for growth. Seek feedback from others and be open to learning.
  • Use cuing tools: Use reminders, prompts, and cues to help you remember and apply the skills during a crucial conversation. For example, you can use a note card, a wristband, a bookmark, or a computer screen saver with key words or phrases. You can also sign up for regular tips and resources at www.crucialconversations.com.
• Funny Mentions:
  • The analogy of an anaconda swallowing a warthog to describe the feeling of digesting a lot of information (p. 180).
  • The story of a Vietnam War prisoner who played golf in his head and improved his score (p. 222).
  • The example of a fast-food restaurant script that goes wrong when the customer orders a salad (p. 217).

Coaching for Crucial Conversations

The Coaching for Crucial Conversations table is a powerful tool to help you coach yourself or others through crucial conversations. It provides specific guidance on applying the skills associated with each dialogue principle.

Dialogue Principle	Associated Skills	Coaching Questions
Start with Heart	- Clarify intentions and goals - Refuse the Sucker’s Choice	- What do I really want for myself, others, and the relationship? - How can I avoid falling into either/or thinking? - How can I create a shared purpose?
Learn to Look	- Observe content and conditions - Monitor safety - Watch for fear	- What signs indicate this conversation is crucial? - How can I ensure safety for everyone? - What fear-based behaviors am I noticing?
Make It Safe	- Create safety - Use CRIB skills (Commit, Recognize, Invent, Brainstorm)	- How can I apologize or contrast to restore safety? - How can I make it safe for others to share their meaning?
Master My Stories	- Retrace path to action - Separate facts from stories	- What stories am I telling myself about this situation? - How can I question and challenge my stories?
STATE My Path	- Share views confidently - Encourage testing	- How can I express my perspective without being abrasive? - How can I invite others to share their views?
Explore Others’ Paths	- Ask questions to get things rolling - Use mirroring, paraphrasing, and priming	- What questions can I ask to understand their perspective? - How can I acknowledge their feelings and story?
Move to Action	- Decide how to decide (Command, Consult, Vote, Consensus) - Ensure clarity and commitment	- What decision-making method will work best? - How can we follow up on commitments?

Remember, coaching yourself through these questions can help you apply specific skills to your crucial conversations. Feel free to use this table as a reference to enhance your communication and achieve better outcomes!